Sex is one of the very much repressed things in our Indian community. One cannot talk about it, one cannot discuss it, one cannot share his/her feelings about it. It is considered as a social taboo. Even scripture says, let alone the indulgence, even the thought of it is the door towards the hell. In fact the more one shows to be away from it or is really away from it, the more one is respected. If you think about it, if you talk about it, if you share your feelings about it, if you indulge into it frequently then you are considered as a bad person. Somewhere we have condemned Sex. We have put it on an inferior side on our value system. Parents do not want to talk about it to their children, teachers keep an eye on their students to save them from indulging into it, “decent” friends condemns those who show some kind of sexual desperation.
This repression has caused disastrous consequences. The thing which is repressed more, the more it wants to come out with even more force! This is called the “Law of Reverse Effect”. Somewhere the assumption has been that by condemning Sex one will be able to get over it and the problems associated with it in a “decent” community. But, it did not happen! Rather it became more intense in people. It showed up in the form of excessive usage of Porn Magazines, Porn Movies, Prostitution, Rapes and many other forms which we see. We see youngsters investing a lot of energy in fighting with this Sexual Energy inside, wasting their time, mental energy, effort and also their physical energy! Due to excessive repression it has also caused many psychological and physical disorders, which even psychologists and medical science support now, like Hysteria, Epilepsy, people getting mad and getting even unconscious!
Question which comes here is, why is it the case that Sex has become so important to us? Probably it is one of the biggest pleasures available or seem to be available to the mankind. There are several reasons I see for it. Repression is one of the major reasons to increase its intensity in a human being. Over this repressed human mind, media then further exploits this inner temptation by showing explicit content. One more major factor which I see playing role into it is, the depth to which Sexual Pleasure (especially orgasm) goes into Human Consciousness, nothing else goes so deep. Neither Money, Comfort or any kind of material pleasure nor Respect, Recognition or pleasure or Attention! Sexual Pleasure (especially orgasm) goes much deeper than any of these things, in Human Consciousness. Due to all these reasons Sex becomes much more important than many other things to a human being.
Attraction for Sex has become tremendous. But is the attraction towards Sex is really towards Sex or something else? Every time a human being indulges into it, after the pleasure is over, he feels guilt. He feels that he is the slave of this sexual energy inside. He feels that he lost so much of his energy for such momentary pleasure. He wants to get over this dependence, he wants to get over this slavery, but he is not able to! Every time he takes pledge to not to indulge into it again for a long time. He makes a calender, marks the dates when he had it last time, starts eating good food to recover his body and does several 100s of things, but this energy, this killing temptation again tempts him to indulge into it! Most of the times a human being spends his entire life in this dilemma, inner contradiction and this never ending loop.
Have you ever tried to understand what happens in a Sexual Intercourse or an Orgasm? Of course I am not talking about biology, that I am sure you must be knowing much better than me. I am interested in Psychological understanding of Sex or Orgasm. If you try to notice then you will see that at the time of Sex when orgasm comes following things happen:
One Experiences Timelessness.
One Experiences Egolessness.
One completely fixes into the “Present”.
One forgets the agony of the past and the tensions of the future. Only the “Present” remains.
But this happens very momentarily. I am sure you know how small it lasts!
To live in the Present, is something which is a basic human need. To experience the state of Egolessness and Timelessness is a basic human need. One wants to experience it all the time.
One experiences these things (To get fixed into Present) momentarily in course of Intercourse or Sex or Orgasm. Since this state of Sex or Orgasm has the capability to relax a human being for some time and fix him into the present, so I have seen people indulging into it before exams, in times of frustration, anger, agony, depressions, when they want to forget all that and relax, they indulge into it. This is one of the very good escape routes from one’s agonies and is widely used this way, unconsciously!
The thing to notice here is, the temptation towards the Sex is not actually for Sex or for a woman’s body or a man’s body. It is for something else. It is actually for the unique experience of “Timelessness”, “Egolessness” and “To stay in Present”. Though in Sex or Orgasm, one experiences it very momentarily, but yes one wants to experience it. This is one’s basic desire to be free from the agonies of the past and the tensions of the future and totally stay in present, which gets fulfilled in Sex momentarily.
To explain the concept of “Law of Reverse Effect” and Repression, Bertrand Russell says that in his earlier times woman used to be so covered with clothes that cloth used to rub the ground and even the toe of the foot was not visible. Even if by chance some lucky one sees even just the toe, it used to trigger the sexual energy in him. Now days even when the woman is roaming around half naked, it doesn’t trigger anything in anybody. The point which he is trying to convey here is, the more the body is covered the more a human being is tempted to explore the unknown territory, given the Sexual Energy is already boiling inside. In my opinion in the early ages of the kids (boys and girls both) before their puberty, they should be left naked in their houses for as much time as possible, so they can understand/know what and how the body is and there comes nothing new into it when it is covered by the cloth. It may decrease the inner desperation in them when they grow young.
Living in present for long time is not an easy job. One needs to practice a lot of introspection, understanding of oneself has to be evolved within, a lot of practice of meditation is also required. For this a lot of energy is required within. For Self Evolution a lot of energy is required within and this energy has to be directed in the right direction. Sex is a thing in which one loses maximum amount of energy outside, which otherwise has a possibility to be utilized within for constructive purposes. In Sex one loses so much of energy, to get a very momentary pleasure. If the similar or even more intense and long lasting pleasure is available through some other means and that also without losing energy, then one wouldn’t be ready to lose so much energy in Sex. When one doesn’t know any other way, then one is inclined to lose energy in Sex and then regrets later. Having and releasing Sexual energy outside in any form is already considered as a bad thing. It has caused excessive repression. All the education, environment are trying to close the doors of releasing the Sexual Energy outside in any form, without suggesting any other way. When one doesn’t know any other way, this energy keeps boiling inside and keeps coming out in one form or the other. When this energy is not released neither inside nor outside then it has the potential to make you mad as well.
Animals have only external outlet of their Sexual Energy. There is no possibility as well as need to utilize this Sexual Energy inside. In case of Human Being utilization of Sexual Energy inside is possible but due to absence of this knowledge the only possibility remains is outside. Animals are Sexual as per the season, whether, time and other factors, but Human Being has become Sexual all the time, 24×7. Animals do not remember the past pleasure during Sex, but a Human Being remembers it and wants it all the time.
When Sex is deemed as a bad thing, then there cannot be Love between Husband and Wife. In Indian community Husband is kept at a higher status, scripture would say that Husband is like a God. At the same time Sex is considered as a bad thing, something which should be condemned, something which is door to the hell etc. Now how can a Wife consider a Husband as a God who is taking her through the door to hell? When there is no acceptance of Sex as a reality there cannot be Love between Husband and Wife. When there is no Love between Husband and Wife, the children also do not receive much Care and Love from their parents. How can these parents Love their children who do not know how to Love each other? This affects the quality of children. These children who are deprived of Love in their upbringing suffer from a lot of emotional deprivation and other psychological problems in their lives. When Sex is not accepted as a reality then the understanding of it cannot evolve. Once cannot experience the depth of it, one cannot understand what is so attractive in Sex, is it really the physical pleasure or something else? When this exploration is missing, then Sex becomes a means of forgetting other tensions in life, other frustrations, anger, irritations in life. The child which if comes out of it becomes a kind of uninvited guest. We know how an uninvited guest is treated in a family. This happens with a child as well, which he/she suffers in his entire life. One can experience the depth of Sex only if one is calm, joyous and accepts Sex as a reality in the first place. In addition to this, these Husband and Wife when they do not Love each other and Love is a basic requirement of a Human Being, then their attention starts going outside of their homes, but here again the social stigma comes in and the dilemma persists. Relationship between Husband and Wife can persist when there is acceptance in them for Sex as a reality rather than a bad thing. They both should help each other and should become complimentary to each other to uplift their Sexual Energies for their Self Evolution. In older times Sex used to be taken like a celebration. Parents used to prepare themselves long before in order to conceive a child. They used to prepare themselves mentally, physically, used to get suitable dates and times from Pundits to conceive a child. It is said that Krishna and Rukmani stayed in a Gurukul for 11 years to prepare themselves in order to conceive a child. When parents plan the conception well and prepare for it well enough then the child which is born is also divine. When the conception is unplanned or accidental then the child which is born is also low in quality. The quality of child depends a lot on the kind of physical, mental preparation of parents. It also depends specially on the depth of Love between the parents. So if we say that quality of Human Race is going down continuously in world then parents bear the utmost responsibility for it.
Sexual Energy in a Human Being doesn’t build up in a single day. It takes its time. By the time body becomes mature and capable of reproduction, this Sexual Energy starts pushing itself outside, if no other outlet or inlet is available. Once this energy finds its way outside, it is more inclined to flow outside only. It is difficult to change its direction then, but it is not impossible. It is like a river. Once a river finds its way from its origin to the sea, the new water, the new content is also inclined to follow the same way. Its difficult to change the way of complete river then. Similar is the case with Sexual Energy, once it find the way outside, it keeps on flowing outside, if no other way was known from the beginning. As we had discussed earlier that the major thing which attracts people towards Sex is not the body but the experience of “Presence”, which one also gets in Meditation and in deep introspection, so if children are taught Meditations and are trained to introspect deeply since their childhood, till this Sexual Energy has not become intense to come out in them, then this Sexual Energy can be later channelized in one’s Self Evolution also. It will have an alternative opening as well for its flow. Once this alternative “inlet” is available then the problems with the “outlet” can be avoided. For the same reason, it becomes then very essential to teach children the role of meditation and introspection in their early childhood itself.
Parents instead of teaching or helping their children to understand these things, they rather teach them that things related to Sex are bad things and one shouldn’t think, talk and feel about it. They do it with the assumption that by repressing it, by condemning it, they will help their children to save them from the consequences of outflow of this Sexual Energy. But this doesn’t work due to “Law of Reverse Effect”! Rather one more dangerous consequence happens. Children within no time discover that these parents who are telling them to stay away from Sex, who are telling them that Sex is a bad thing, a door to hell, a door to bad health, a door to disrespect, are themselves indulging into it every now and then! When they discover that these parents themselves are also completely soaked, dipped and drenched into Sexual activities, in spite of condemning them themselves, then children lose their complete respect for their parents. They lose their reverence for their parents. This affects the growth of children a lot. It affects children’s learning from their parents. Along with healthy discussion on these things, Introspection, Mediation etc. should become part of every house hold.
Meditation, deep introspection etc. have power of Trans-Mutation of the Sexual Energy towards development of Higher Faculties of a Human Being. These techniques have power to redirect Sexual Energy for one’s Self Evolution.
Experience of Sex can be at three levels:
Sex at the level of Body.
Sex at the level of Mind.
Sex at the level of Soul.
Sex at the level of body is completely physiological. When you go to a prostitute and have sex then this sex has the limits only till the body level. There is no involvement of even the mind, since there are no feelings either in the person who is buying the prostitute’s body nor in the prostitute. Even in a rape, it is only the body which is raped. Its reach is also only till the body. When there are no good feelings in the human beings who are involving into Sex then its reach is only till the bodily pleasure. Vatsyayana’s Kamasutra and Pundit Koka’s writings do not go beyond the Sex at the level of Body.
Second level of Sex is, the level of Mind. Those who indulge into Sex with the feeling of Love, their Sexual experience goes till the level of Mind. It goes deeper than the body. Its depth is psychological. But even in this case after repeated indulgence it also becomes mechanical after some time. Psychologists from Freud to Carl Jung, have talked about the Sex which goes till the level of Mind.
Third level of Sex is the level of Soul and it is also called “Spiritual Sex”. At this level also there is stability since there are no changes at the level of Soul. It is actually the feeling of oneness between two souls. When they have it they feel tremendous fulfillment. The best example to explain this is the Mother-Child relationship when Child is in the womb. One can skip the word “Sex” if one has problem using it in context of Mother-Child relationship. It is being used in order to convey the oneness of two souls and not anything else.
In case of a mother and a child, they have a feeling of oneness for 9 months, when child is in the womb. This kind of fulfillment, a husband cannot give to his wife. Child breathes with the mother’s breath, child lives with the mother’s blood, child heart beats are in alignment with the mother’s heart beats. Mother experiences motherliness for the first time. The fulfillment of motherliness is more than ever she had experienced in all her relationships in past. This is why the relation of mother and child is different from relation between wife and husband. Relation between child and father is also not so deep as the relation between mother and child. Father is the social institution. In case of a husband and wife, they meet for a fraction of seconds, the kind of oneness they feel, it becomes a binding force in them.
It is also noticed for the same above mentioned reasons that when a woman becomes a mother, then her interest in Sex decreases. This is why a western woman doesn’t want to become a mother and a western man also doesn’t want a woman to become a mother.
There will be a huge difference between a woman who has become mother and one who has not become. A woman who has become mother will be more calm than the one who has not become. A woman who has not become mother is like a river which has just come out of its source on the mountain, has this rage, has this ambition to reach to the sea anyhow. It has the rigor, it has that rage, it has that flow and desperation to meet the sea. A woman who has become mother is like a river which has now come onto a large plane surface, which has become calm and quite, which has lost its ambition to reach anywhere, which doesn’t have that rage, that desperation to reach somewhere. This kind of grace can be seen in the woman who has become a mother.
In a nutshell, if I try to conclude whatever I have said in above all the points till now then they are:
1. Sexual Energy is not a bad thing rather its a reality.
2. It need to be understood in order to get over it.
3. Repression doesn’t help in getting over the Sexual Energy, rather it increases it more and creates many more problems.
4. The attraction towards Sex is not for the body, but for the Experience of Timelessness, Egolessness and Totally Fixing in Present for some time.
5. It is possible to have these experiences without the outflow of Sexual Energy as well. In Meditations and Deep Introspection one experiences the similar “Being in Present” experience.
6. It is possible to Uplift or Trans-Mutate Sexual Energy inside and utilize in one’s Self Evolution. Firstly, it helps in one’s Self Evolution, development of higher faculties and thus also saves us from various bad consequences of outflow of this Sexual Energy otherwise.
7. Parents should Love each other and plan the conception well in advance in order to conceive a child. They should also inculcate an environment of understanding of various things (including Sex) rather than repressing them and deeming them as a bad thing. Practice of Meditation and Deep Introspection are essential.
It is important to highlight some biology of Sex also, since biology is interwoven with the Psychology. My major concern in this post is Psychology and not the Biology.
1. It came into notice from Masters and Johnson’s research that a woman is capable of multiple orgasms serially, though a man is capable of only orgasm at a time.
2. A man’s sex is local, genital. A woman’s sexuality is spread all over the body.
3. A woman takes more time to get warmed up. By the time a woman has begun, a man is already done.
4. A man’s ejaculation is fast. It doesn’t take time. 1 min, 2 min or at most 3 min. In this time a woman is not even aware of what she missed. Most of the woman live and die without experiencing the orgasm in their life.
5. In women, Orgasm is not necessary for biological reproduction.
6. A man loses energy in Sex. A man is a donor. A woman doesn’t lose energy. Rather she feels nourished.
Above differences at the level of biology of man and woman have caused some psychological problems in relationships. Since by the time a man is done woman has not even begun, so after the man is done, man loses his desperation completely and he becomes as cold as a stone. He turns around and starts snoring. This gives a feeling to a woman as if she is used. It affects their relationship. This is where the importance of foreplay and afterplay comes in. Foreplay in order to have orgasms in both almost at the similar times and after play by the man in order to show some gratitude.
Transmutation of Sexual Energy:
Read more about Transmutation of Sexual Energy here:
The Transmutation of Sexual Energy
Further Readings and References:
1. From Sex to Super-Consciousness – Osho.
2. The Book of Woman – Osho.
3. Ayurvedic Garbh Sanskar – Dr. Shri Balaji Tambe.
4. Masters and Johnsons – Wikipedia
5. Ayurveda Description of Shukra Dhatu
6. Ayurveda Description of Dhatus
7. Kamasutra – Vatsyayana
8. Sigmund Freud