For this session teachers in this school requested me to talk to students regarding Infatuation, attraction between boys and girls. This is a major problem in their school in higher sections. This session on infatuation was conducted for 10th class all sections A,B,C combined. There were around 40 girls and 50 boys. A few teachers were also there.
We started the discussion. I wrote down on the board, “Understanding Infatuation”. Not many of them knew this word “Infatuation”. 1-2 boys and 6-7 girls knew. I asked each one of them what do they understand by this word, probably they were shy to be frank so they said “it is liking for other person”.
I asked, is it used in a specific reference?
They were quite. Then I ultimately decided to be frank with them from my side.
I asked all the boys, “Do you feel attracted towards the girls?”
All of them started laughing. Boys were doing “Hawwwwww” by covering their mouths and girls were laughing.
Then I asked girls, “Do you feel attracted towards the boys?”
To my surprise I noticed, many of them frankly said “Yes”. I was remembering my time when I was in 10th. I used to be very shy and girls used to be more shy than boys. Now the scene was different. I do not generalize anything here, it is just an observation in this session.
I said, “Girls are being more honest. Boys, are you feeling shy in talking about it? Be frank”.
Then some of them said, “Yes, we feel the same.”
Fine. To make them comfortable with me I said, “I have been attracted towards many girls.”
They started laughing.
So, what do you get attracted at? Lets make a list of all those things which you notice in a girl or a boy and you get attracted at?
They said many things like,
Looks, Charm, Ada, Nature, Frankness, Style, Money, Wealth, Popularity of person, Way of thinking, Behavior, Care, Affection, Face, Features, Trust, Understanding, Feelings towards us etc.
OK, can we divide all these things towards which you get attracted in two categories, “Bodily Aspects” and “Nature of person/Feeling related aspects”?
Lets categorize all the thing which you said in these two categories then.
We then categorized the complete list which we made into these two categories “Bodily aspects” and “Feeling related aspects/Nature of the person”.
In “Bodily Related” aspects there were just two things and that also very vague i.e. “Looks”, “Face”.
I asked, what do you look at in the body of other person?
Is that all? Do you notice color of skin?
Shape of body?
They started laughing.
What is the feeling inside when you notice that a particular boy or girl has bodily aspects as per your preferences or liking?
We feel good. It makes us feel good.
And what is your expectation from that person?
We want to talk to him/her.
Is that all? To this they said nothing.
Ok, second aspect is “Nature of person/Feeling related aspects in you”, so how do you feel when you see a beautiful girl or a handsome boy and you get attracted to him/her but after some time you find that his/her way of thinking is not as per your preferences? or he/she doesn’t think good about you?
It makes us feel uncomfortable. It makes us sad.
You start seeing a beast in the beauty, right?
Yes. We do not like them anymore.
And suppose there is a person who is not good as per your preferences of bodily aspects, but you feel comfortable with that person, that person trusts you, that person rightly evaluates you, that person feels good about you, then how do you feel?
We feel good.
Do you still care about bodily aspects?
So, do you notice something here in this discussion?
Which factor is dominating for attraction in us towards other person, “Body” or “Feeling related aspects/Nature of person”?
Nature of person and feeling related aspects.
What it makes you feel when a handsome boy or a beautiful girl starts paying attention at you?
We feel good.
Right, you feel elevated. You feel like on 7th heaven, hurray etc. Right?
What it makes you feel when a boy gets attention from another boy and a girl gets attention from another girl?
It is not much difference.
So how come attention of a girl on a boy or attention of a boy on a girl is making a difference?
Because it is uncommon.
Right. And also when you find that the boy or a girl who has bodily aspects and nature as per your preferences, starts paying attention at you then it makes you feel really good, it makes you feel that you are good, you are important, you have something in you which is being admired and appreciated and that also from a girl or a boy, this feeling makes you feel elevated, right?
Do you all play video games?
Did you always have video games with you?
When you did not have video game with you, you used to feel that if I get it then it will change my life, right?
What about now?
Now it is not a much difference.
When you get attention of a handsome boy or a beautiful girl then it makes you feel elevated right? Even after having spent some days with him/her you feel the same feeling of elevation or it becomes normal after some time?
It becomes normal after sometime.
Then you want attention of some other handsome guy or a beautiful girl, right?
One of girls said loudly, “Right”. All of them started laughing.
So you see the pleasure of getting attention from a handsome guy or a beautiful girl which you get in the beginning doesn’t last for long. In fact if you notice this is what happening in current love marriages. Before marriage they find beauty in each other and after marriage they start seeing a beast.
They all laughed.
How do you feel when a handsome guy or a beautiful girl, who paid attention at you for a long time, stops paying attention at you suddenly?
We feel angry. We feel hurt. We want their attention back. A few of them said this. Not many had experienced this.
How do you feel when a handsome guy or a beautiful girl who paid attention at you for a long time, starts paying attention at somebody else?
“We feel jealous. We feel like killing that person”, again a few of them said.
Exactly. In fact this is what happening in all these acid attacks which we see in papers almost daily.
OK then lets come back to the list again which we made. We made two categories, “Bodily Aspects” and “Feeling related aspects”.
We saw that “Feeling related aspects” are dominating. When your feeling component is not satisfied with other person then his/her bodily aspects become secondary or meaningless.
Now in feeling aspects we have, Trust, Understanding, Right Evaluation, Care, Affection, Love etc.
By seeing this what you feel what is your basic desire?
No concrete answer.
Your basic desire from other person is “Unconditional Acceptance”. You expect other person to Trust you and to Rightly Evaluate you Unconditionally. You want them to Trust you and keep Trusting you, you want them to Rightly Evaluate you and keep Rightly Evaluating you. When you notice that a handsome guy or a beautiful girl is not trusting you or feeling bad about you, then you start seeing a beast in the beauty, right?
In this case even good bodily aspects become meaningless, right?
So ultimately you want “Acceptance + Feeling of Relationship + Continuity of these 2”, right?
But in case of this attraction are you able to ensure this continuity? You may feel elevated for some time or good for some time, but are you able to ensure continuity?
But you want Trust and Right Evaluation continuously or temporarily?
Attraction makes you feel elevated for some time or good for some time, but it does not give you continuity of feeling of goodness. You expect Trust and Respect continuously. When you feel you are getting it, you feel good, but you also notice that you want it continuously. The way we are trying to ensure these things currently do not give us continuity and hence is the problem.
To solve this problem we need to understand, Relationships. Feeling of relationship is something which is your basic desire. It is there continuously in you. Think about it.
There is a lot more to discuss in this topic, but due to time constraints we will finish it here.
You can find some more about this topic here,