We see that we have expectations from people with whom we feel related and like. When those expectations are not fulfilled then we get hurt and conclude that expectations is the root cause of all miseries. We start feeling that if we have no expectations then we will not get hurt and tell others the same, that seems to be right, but are we really able to do it? Are we able to suppress our expectations? After getting hurt again and again we become more careful about ourselves, we are afraid that it might again give rise to some expectations again and possibility to get hurt again might rise. But, I see that this is not desirable to me, I am suppressing my expectations with other person. I am always trying to keep some distance with other person so that I do not get hurt again. I am not feeling good within me. When those expectations are fulfilled then I feel good, when they are not I feel bad. When I am suppressing my expectations then also I am feeling bad. Expectations are actually arising within me and more than half of my energy is going into suppressing those expectations and even after suppressing them I am feeling a void within. The void is killing me. I am feeling very lonely. I am always searching for somebody who can understand me, whom I can trust, with whom I have assurance that he will be there with me no matter what! Generally we expect unconditional Trust and unconditional Respect from other person.
When I get that person after getting hurt many many times, I feel very very comfortable. I start considering the person as my everything. My expectations with that person are too much and till the time they are getting fulfilled I am very happy. But, as soon as the time comes when I feel that my expectations are not being fulfilled or something similar then in this case I get hurt terribly. In this case I get hurt more because after getting hurt already several times I got a person whom I could trust and when I find that even this person is not able to fulfill my expectations or even this person doesn’t understand me, then my trust shakes terribly and I get hurt terribly!
So what is the solution?
There are a few potential issues with these expectations. We expect Unconditional Trust and Unconditional Respect from other person. We want other person to Unconditionally Accept us. Unconditional Acceptance means Certainty, Consistency and Continuity of Trust and Respect. We expect Certainty, Consistency and Continuity of Trust and Respect from other person.We expect that other person should never doubt our intentions, should understand us, should always evaluate us rightly. Others also have same expectations from us.
Now here the problem starts. I and other person both want Unconditional Acceptance from each other. Lets analyze the situation from our side. I see that I Trust other person when other person suits to my preferences, likings and disliking. The more other person suits the more I Trust him. When I get such a person I feel happy because I can Trust him. With time we see that, either the other person’s behavior and work changes and he is no longer suitable to my preferences or my preferences change so other person is not longer suitable to my preferences or even if the person is suitable to my preferences since a long time but that is not sufficient for me now, I want something more than that. Same thing happens with other person. So I see that,
There is no certainty that my expectations will be fulfilled by other person.
There is no consistency that all the expectations will be fulfilled all the time by other person.
There is no continuity of fulfillment of those expectations by other person because even if they are fulfilled then I want something more than that after some time.
One more thing is, in this case the key of my happiness is in hands of other person. When other person is able to fulfill my expectations I feel happy otherwise not.
Generally after seeing all which we discussed we start feeling that expectation itself is the root cause of misery so lets suppress it. I also see that suppressing expectations is not being possible. The more I suppress I more stronger it gets.
So what is that, that I really want? and what is the way out of it?
Few questions which come first are, what do I really expect? and why do I expect that? and how can that expectation be fulfilled?
Every Human Being want Certainty, Consistency and Continuity of Happiness in every dimension of his living. All the actions of a human being are happening for the sake of ensuring happiness only. All the desires, expectations, thoughts are directed to reach the same goal, to reach the same purpose, to satisfy the same need, i.e. happiness.
In the absence/lack of understanding of “what happiness actually is?” and “how can I get it?” I start searching it in each and every such thing which makes me feel good.
I see that I feel good in various things, like eating good food, enjoying in amusement parks, having a long drive in a good car, TV, music, movies, having a bunglow, having lots of money, power, position, having good and fulfilling relationships, winning an award and many more. This list is endless. These things can be classified into two categories at this stage. Things which make me feel good physically and things which make me feel good emotionally.
Here we also see that feeling good emotionally is dominant than feeling good physically. If I am not in good mood then I can not enjoy food in even a 5 star hotel, I can not enjoy rides in an amusement park, I can not enjoy any of such physical things. When I am already in good mood then even if other physical pleasures like good food, TV, music, movies are not available then its fine. If they are available then that’s better. Generally what we try to do is, we try to fulfill the emotional need with physical things and that doesn’t fulfill it.
Now as we discussed that the basic emotional need is of Unconditional Acceptance from other person in a relationship. Even in this case we saw a potential problems of not able to ensure certainty, consistency and continuity of fulfillment of that emotional need from other person.
So what ultimately is the solution?
Solution is Knowledge.
Knowledge of what actually Trust is, what actually respect is, what actually unconditional acceptance mean, what do I really want and how can I fulfill it.
A human being wants to live with certainty in every dimension of his living. He starts with the expectation of certainty in others around, in family, society and nature and that also according to his preferences. When he recognizes uncertainty in any dimension then it makes him unhappy.
With Knowledge we start recognizing that certainty is already there in existence. Recognition of that already existing certainty in existence is Happiness.
To understand Happiness, Trust, Respect, Acceptance etc. we need knowledge. Knowledge includes,
Knowledge of the Self,
Knowledge of entire existence,
Knowledge of Natural Human Conduct.