What is my expectation with other person?
We see that we expect something from other person, we like certain people and do not like many.
We see that we have many relationships like parents, relatives, friends and many more. We make new friends. We give different priorities to different friends. We classify our friends in different categories of Best, Close, Normal, Acquaintance etc. If we observe it closely then we come to know that the friends whom we call our best friends are generally those with whom we “feel” that they have accepted us unconditionally! With whom we have assurance that he/she is there for me no matter what! He/she will be there for me no matter what!
I want that other person Accepts me and keep Accepting me forever. He should never have any doubt about me in his/her mind. He should never misinterpret me. He should see me the way I see myself. He should Trust me Unconditionally, should Respect me Unconditionally and should Rightly Evaluate me always. We all feel close to those with whom our these expectations and requirements are met.
If in any case I feel any kind of behavior change of other person with me or If I sense that some doubt has come in the mind of other person or if I feel any kind of discontinuity of unconditional acceptance in other person for me, with whom I have had unconditional acceptance since a long time, then it terribly hurts me. I can not tolerate any kind of doubt about me in the mind of a person with whom I have spent a long time and who has accepted me unconditionally for long. I can never tolerate any kind of lack of assurance in other person’s mind for me in any case. If this happens I want other person to understand me, I want acceptance of the other person again on any cost. His understanding about me becomes my severe need in such a case. This must have happened with almost all of us. When this kind of thing happens and it is not resolved then we generally call it breach of Trust and ultimately a good long friendship/relationship converts into hatred/competition/jealousy etc. What do I do then?
If I have had 3-4 such kind of incidents then I conclude that, Relationship itself is a problem. I am then generally afraid to indulge into new relationships, I try to be detached, I isolate myself emotionally. Is that the solution? I will say no. In such a situation I feel myself emotionally deprived. I want to feel good again. When I again get any new person with whom I feel unconditional acceptance then I again feel good. I again expect other person to keep accepting me unconditionally forever. It is true that this time I am more careful and reluctant to indulge into the same, but I do and again possibility to suffer from same problem arises. So what is the solution and what is the root cause of all that is happening?
I am able to see that I have this expectation of Unconditional Acceptance in any relatinship from other person. It is such a need which is always there within me. Lets try to analyze this. There are two questions here
1. What is Unconditional Acceptance?
2. When do I feel that I have been Unconditionally Accepted?
What is Unconditional Acceptance?
Unconditional Acceptance, as the words themselves suggest, Acceptance without any condition. When there is no condition in acceptance then such kind of acceptance has continuity. Such kind of acceptance never fades out with time.
When do I feel that I have been Unconditionally Accepted?
Generally I feel that I have been Unconditionally Accepted when two conditions are met,
1. I feel that the other person has Accepted me Unconditionally.
2. When the manifestation of that Unconditional Acceptance by other person to me satisfies my notions/assumptions of Unconditional Acceptance.
I will elaborate what I want to say.
It happens many times that when the behavior of other person with whom I feel really good, changes then I get a doubt in me, “What happened to him?”, “Why he is behaving this way?”, “He was not like this…” etc. Such kind of uncertainties surround me doubts and questions, which keep troubling me. I feel insecure in the unconditional acceptance by other person for me. In most of the cases when I talk to other person for clarification of his behavior directly or indirectly then I realize that I was misinterpreting, I realize, “he was doing that for this reason” and I feel empathetic with him and feel good again. Till the time action/behavior of other person is within my range of sensitivity/empathy I feel fine, but when it goes outside and I could not figure out why he is doing what he is doing then doubt starts coming. This doubt again becomes a cause of my pain.
Generally we want other person to Unconditionally Accept us or Love us in the way we want. It is like saying, “Love me in this way”. We apply many-many-many conditions on other person to satisfy our notions of Unconditional Acceptance and when they are satisfied we feel that we have been Unconditionally Accepted and thus feel good. It is actually not at all Unconditional Acceptance. It is just the satisfaction of my preferences by other person. When other person satisfies my preferences, likings, dislikings and many other criterias and understand me then I feel that I have been Unconditionally Accepted. So we like those who satisfy our criterias of likings and disliking and not like those who do not satisfy them. Here, we also make one scale, that a person who satisfies most of my criterias is more dear one to me and the person satisfies less criterias is less dear one. I am always in search of a person who can satisfy all the criterias.
When I see above all points then I realize that because of all these I am always deprived of Unconditional Acceptance and I keep searching for a new person who can Unconditionally Accept me. In this way I see that it is really difficult to get Unconditional Acceptance from other person and keep depending on other person for my Happiness. I want my Happiness independent of any other person, but I see that I expect something from others and when those expectations are not fulfilled I feel unhappy, so what is the solution for it?
Solution is, Knowledge!
In this particular context, I can ask myself, what is there in Unconditional Acceptance which I am liking?
It is the feeling of Trust within myself due to the alignment of other person’s actions as per my expectations, which makes me happy. It is the feeling of Trust which makes me happy.
When I have Trust for other person I feel happy when I do not, I feel unhappy. Generally we feel that it is other person’s responsibility to keep my Trust.
To Understand Unconditional Acceptance, Trust, Respect, Relationships, Expectations etc. we need Knowledge. To increase this knowledge we need to continuously witness ourselves and ask why I am doing what I am doing? What is my root expectation? What do I really want? Whether something will be able to give me happiness and continuity of it or not? With more and more exploration my knowledge about myself, my expectations keeps increasing and I find answers within myself.
1. Knowledge of the Self.
2. Knowledge of Entire Existence.
3. Knowledge of Natural Human Conduct.
There is a lot of scope to further write in this post, which is left on to the readers to think upon.